Filed under: Housekeeping | Tags: civility, etiquette, iTunes, manners, podcast, protocol
I am pleased to announce a new podcast, which is going to take the place of this blog. The first episode is out today and throughout the course of the podcast I shall be sharing my thoughts on social trends, commenting on what The Done Thing, and chatting to other etiquette experts about matters of manners and protocol.
Click here to listen to episode one. (The podcast will shortly be on iTunes.)
Filed under: Daily Life, Media | Tags: butter, clergy, country life, etiquette, gentlemen, johnny rotten, manners, protocol, rain, television, umbrella, umbrellas
Whilst doing the ironing today, I saw an advertisement for Country Life Butter, fronted by former Sex Pistols frontman, Johnny Rotten. Playing on the name of the product, there were various shots of him frolicking around in the countryside. One sequence caught my eye in particular: the rain/umbrella shots. An umbrella? In the country? Not the done thing.
Why? It was (and still is by some) considered that umbrellas are only suitable to be sported with town-wear (suits etc). Gentlemen in the country wear ‘country’ and thus an umbrella is not required. If it rains, then it is time to bring out the macintosh. The only exception to this no-umbrellas-in-the-country rule is for clergymen: they can walk about with umbrellas anywhere in the country.
Odd? That’s etiquette.
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See the advertisement here
It was time to bite the bullet and join Twitter. You can follow me if you so wish here: http://twitter.com/williamhanson
Filed under: Daily Life | Tags: etiquette, letters, manners, please, protocol, thank you, uk
I was staying in a bed and breakfast earlier this week and my host and I started discussing good manners, in particular thank-you letters. She told me the most brilliant story, which shows that you should always write such letters after receiving a present or any sort of hospitality.
As children, her sister and her were always sent one pound for Christmas and respective birthdays from a distant relative on their father’s side. At the time, £1 was worth considerably more than it is today. The one-pound kept coming and both sisters wrote, without fail a letter to say thank you to the relative. By the time the sisters for in their mid-forties, the pounds were still being sent and one sister (not my host – her sibling) decided that it was a bit silly now as £1 wasn’t worth much at all and writing a thank-you letter was ridiculous. However, my host still kept on writing the letters.
One year, the money stopped. My host got a call from the relative’s solicitor to say that the relative had died and in her will had left her £250,000 but the other sister was left nothing. The will stated that my host had been left the money because she had “better manners and always said thank-you”.
Filed under: Daily Life | Tags: computers, etiquette, facebook, internet, manners, myspace, protocol, social networking, technology, twitter
This is not the first time this has happened; neither will it be the last, but according to media reports, a few weeks ago a worker was sacked for writing on her Facebook profile that her job with a marketing firm was “boring”. Kimberly Swann, 16, Essex, was asked to leave after her manager saw the comment.
Taken from BBC1's The Big Questions
The current ‘king’ of social networking, recently celebrated its fifth anniversary. The media covered this event thoroughly; I have spoken about the issue on various radio stations and last week on BBC1’s Sunday morning live debate programme, The Big Questions, hosted by Nicky Campbell.
Facebook is a wonderful tool, yet it can also pose great danger and caution is needed. It is important to remember that you are making information about yourself semi-public, and all-and-sundry can log-on, register and look at your profile.
I do not for one moment suggest that Facebook and the like are scrapped. Some of my friends are hopeless when it comes to email and the only way to get their attention is to send them a Facebook message (which can be both public and private). The important thing to remember is that social networking sites should be there to complement our social lives, and not to replace them. There is no substitute for face-to-face conversation. The danger with such sites is that younger generations will become unable to hold a proper conversation, or to write legibly. (My own handwriting is far from perfect! Although that is more to do with the rise of the computer in general, rather than Facebook or MySpace.)
These sites are no place for anyone who wants to remain anonymous or enigmatic; some people even choose not to reveal their real names.
As this unfortunate girl found out, some employers (rightly or wrongly) do now check their employees’ profiles – either before they hire or after. It is important that we don’t use our Facebook pages to create a different, more glamorous version of ourselves – masking the real person. If you are true and consistent to yourself, then you probably won’t fall into any traps. 
If you upload photographs of an event, do remember your friends’ egos. Decide (or ask) people what images they want online, especially if they are embarrassing. Don’t splurge out details of a private conversation you may have had in the public zones on the social networking sites. Avoid applications such as ‘Top Friends’, where you rate your friends and put them in order: you may as well line up your friends in real life and give them differing rosettes.
There is a school of thought that the more friends you have the more kudos you will gain amongst other friends: poppycock.
One positive of Facebook is that it tells you a few days before whose birthday is coming up, thus enabling you to (if they are a real friend) go and buy a present and/or card. This does not mean that for ‘real’ friends you can then write on their ‘Wall’ wishing them happy birthday. How impersonal!
Social networking sites can be a help; they can also be a hindrance. Common sense will help you steer clear of any mishaps that one day could cost you your job.
The more eagel-eyed amongst you may have realised that this post is a carbon copy of one I did for The English Manner’s blog earlier this week. We update that blog weekly (or try to). You can view it here.
Filed under: Etiquette Across the Pond, Table etiquette | Tags: america, britain, canada, drink, Etiquette Across the Pond, glasses, pond, stemware, uk, usa
It’s a new month, so here’s a new conversation between my colleague Jay Remer and me; this time we discuss stemware.
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J: So, today we’ll discuss various aspects of stemware (glasses) on a formal dinner table. I suppose we should begin with the simple directive that all glasses are arranged to the right of the dinner plate.
W: Yes, above the knives and spoons.
J: The glasses are arranged in reverse order of service. I think if there are going to be multiple courses, each served with its own wine, then no more than 5 glasses can comfortably be set at each place. The first glass to be filled is farthest to the right.
W: Correct.
J: In the normal course of a meal, soup is sometimes accompanied by sherry, nowadays more often offered from a small carafe by the server to pour directly into the soup.
W: Ah, now, you see, over here, serving Sherry is scarce and rather archaic, except as you indicate.
J: Over there you have been known to drink champagne straight through the meal, if not the entire afternoon, therefore really only requiring one glass!
W: Ha! Yes.
J: Next would likely be a white wine to accompany a salad or fish course.
W: Let’s say you are having a dinner party…your guests are having pre-dinner drinks in a reception room somewhere. Dinner is announced. Is it correct for the guests to carry their cocktails through to the dining table? Over here, drinks should never be carried through.
J: Over here, (we did after all we did popularize cocktails and introduced them to you blokes during the Second World War I believe) we do carry our drinks to the table except when we are at a state dinner or some other extremely formal occasion.
W: Yes, you did. There is a great line in the play ‘Crown Matrimonial’, where Queen Mary turns her nose up at her son’s new penchant for cocktails, following his trip to America.
J: I quite agree with the British etiquette and do not agree with bringing drinks to the table. Unfortunately some people bear the thought of being ‘dry’ for any length of time, and rely on this alcoholic crutch.
W: I know. And it would be ill mannered to tell them off as host (or guest).
J: Absolutely, cardinal rule, never embarrass, even when they insist on drinking from the finger bowl.
W: Have you heard the story about Prince Philip (and the finger bowl)?
J: No, do tell.
W: At a royal banquet over here, one guest who was seated next to the Prince picked up their finger bowl and drank from it. So as not to embarrass the guest, the Prince did the same.
J: Prince Philip expressed great kindness in his action, having had two special ladies to set an example for him. I haven’t been in such a circumstance but I think it might be rather fun.
W: We digress; let’s get back to stemware placement.
J: During the fish course, white wine is customarily served, a nice Sauvignon Blanc for example. I know today there are wine glasses blown for every conceivable varietal, which I think is a combination of wine snobbery and clever marketing.
W: Indeed. Also, the Victorians loved creating new implements for all sorts of different courses and things: i.e., fish knives.
J: Yes, the Victorians were quite amazing that way; however the whole wine glass thing is rather a new phenomenon.
W: If you look on Wikipedia, they give you a whole visual chart (click ’show’ next to Drinkware) of different stemware – useful for a novice
J: I think a utilitarian white wine glass works just fine for all white wines, save a dessert wine.
W: Exactly! There is no need to confuse people.
J: The main course is often a meat course and is accompanied with a red wine. The red wine glass is set therefore to the left of the white wine glass.
W: Unless white meat is served
J: If a white meat such as poultry or pork is served, a different white wine is often chosen. If salad follows the entree, yet a third wine might be offered. With each change of wine, a new glass must be used.
J: Dessert is customarily accompanied by Champagne, served in a flute, which is placed as the innermost of the stemware.
W: Yes or a pudding wine. Although over here some people think pudding wines are naff (pretentious).
J: And what would such a pudding wine be – sweet, port? Port is delicious with cheese
W: Now you’ve stumped me on that one, but yes they are generally sweet wines – closer to sherry or port but not sherry or port, if that makes sense
J: Yes, there are some wonderful sweet wines.
W: As we’ve mentioned Port, how about a quick mention on its etiquette?
J: That usually depends on the assembled group; after dinner with cigars, the Port bottle is never put down on the table until emptied. As I understand it, on board a ship, a Port decanter has a rounded base so resting it on a table would be impractical.
W: Yes, and always passed to the left.
J: Yes. It has very high alcohol content for a wine and so it’s best not to serve it all night.
W: If someone is hogging the port bottle, the correct euphemism to get him to pass it on is: “Do you know the Bishop of Norwich?”
J: Ah, that’s news to me.
W: If the person being queried does not know the ritual, the person will remark “He’s an awfully nice fellow, but he never remembers to pass the port.”
Before we move on to how to hold different glasses, how about mentioning the water glass?
J: Of course, the largest glass on the table usually placed directly above the dinner knife.
W: How do we correctly hold different glasses? I would say that for white wines, it is held by the stem, to avoid heating the chilled wine. For red wine, you may hold the bowl of the glass.
J: Generally speaking wine glasses should be held by the stem near the bowl. Grasping the bowl, although done by many, white or red regardless, is incorrect. You could rest the red wine glass in your hand, but only the most bottom part of the bowl touching. I think brandy snifters would be an exception. And brandy and port vessels are usually brought out when served, not set in advance
W: Now, I think we should mention the rule/tip when setting stemware on the dinner table (when setting). Never touch the rims – always place by the stem – this is hygienic and avoids leaving fingerprints in the glassware
J: I made sure each glass was hand polished before set on the table, and do so at home as well, where I am the wait staff
Symmetry is also important when arranging glasses. Each setting should be identical.
W: Placing each piece of glassware, china and silverware carefully and symmetrically reflects the care which you have taken to present a beautiful table.
J: I think that covers the subject of stemware. Let’s discuss table decorations next time.
W: Good idea!
Filed under: Housekeeping | Tags: consultancy, etiquette, new, protocol, the english manner, website
Leading protocol and etiquette consultancy firm The English Manner, for which I am a tutor, relaunched its website yesterday. Please take a look if you have time.
I am slowly trying to upload as many of my TV appearances onto YouTube as I can – it’s a work in progress and possibly I’ll eventually get all the radio stuff on there too. But for now, if you want to have a look, click here.
Filed under: Etiquette Across the Pond | Tags: britain, canada, customs, cutlery, Etiquette Across the Pond, fork, knife, spoons, table settings, tables, uk, usa
Here is the second of our conversations, contrasting table setting customs from both sides of the Atlantic.
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J: Let’s discuss table settings, specifically holiday formal table settings. I think it wise to limit this discussion to cutlery. We can discuss other topics, such as stemware, decorations and place cards at another time.
W: I think we should start with the very basics: how would we set a place setting for a three-course meal?
J: One rule I always use is that there should never be any silverware that is placed simply for decorative or ‘balance’ purposes, such as a tablespoon, which will not be used.
W: Yes. It confuses people, and that is not the point of good manners (which is meant to put people at ease).
J: For a three-course meal (soup, main, dessert) we would want a soup spoon, a dinner fork, dinner knife, dessert spoon and fork and butter spreader.
W: Now, one point I noted is the use of the word ‘dessert’. Can I have an historical tangent here?
J: Yes, do.
W: Well, calling a pudding ‘dessert’ is technically/historically wrong – don’t worry, no one knows this over here, either! A ‘dessert’ course was a fruit course that was eaten after the table had been cleared (deserted) and after the pudding. It was to cleanse the palate – similar to how we sometimes eat sorbet to after the first course nowadays. Therefore, the only dessert now is a piece of fruit, and not a hot pudding, which should be thus called ‘pudding’. (Oh – the Victorians got rid of the dessert course and thus the term was made redundant and now it’s merged with pudding.)
J: What do you eat the pudding course with?
W: A pudding fork/spoon (or, some call it, a ’small fork/spoon’).
J: And where are these small forks and spoons placed on the table, or are they brought out with the food?
W: In a house, they would be set with the other cutlery from the beginning (never above the setting – to the sides). But in a hotel, they would be brought to you after the main course.
J: We have no such course here, unless it’s bread pudding, which would be dessert.
W: I realize that. I was just highlighting the cultural differences – although most call it dessert over here now. (I just like my history!)
J: I like the history too! And so you never place dessert utensils above the place setting under any circumstances?
W: Well, it depends who you talk to on that one – I would advise not doing it as it originates from children’s nurseries, and is called ‘nursery setting’. But there is an increasing amount of restaurants etc. that set the American way, which isn’t strictly wrong, but is just different.
J: I have seen that done for continental style dining as well. Now, mind you, we can have a cheese course after the dessert course accompanied with fresh fruit such as grapes, apples and pears – no citrus.
W: Yes, we too have a cheese course, and that follows pudding and is called such: ‘cheese course’.
J: Sometimes we skirt the cheese course by having ample blue cheese in the salad. In a three-course meal, we might well have a salad course in lieu of a soup course.
W: Where would you place the butter/break knife? This is an interesting one, too.
J: That knife always goes on the butter plate.
W: Whereas over here (traditionally) it went to the very left of the cutlery on the right (knives/spoons) – nearest the plate. But it seems to have travelled to the bread plate now. We can rest the bread/butter knife on the bread plate once we pick it up but it should (over here) start on the side with the other cutlery.
J: What about the cocktail fork?
W: Cocktail fork?!!! What on earth is that? That sounds very Victorian!
J: That’s what you perhaps refer to as an oyster fork.
W: Oh, I see. Well, I admit defeat on this one. Enlighten me.
J: It’s a small three pronged fork used to eat oysters and shrimp cocktail
W: Yes, I know what it looks like. I meant where does it sit?
J: It is either brought out on the underplate of the course or placed in the bowl the outermost spoon (likely a soup spoon)
W: Aha – makes sense. I think that is where I would have put it if I were guessing!
J: Forks should generally have accompanying knives; i.e. a salad fork should have a corresponding knife.
W: Yes, although in olden days over here (and in France still now) it is a crime to cut your salad).
J: Salad should be served in such a way that it does not require cutting. However, I like the knife for ease of arranging the salad on the fork; two hands always work better than one. It goes without saying (for you and me) that the cutlery is laid according to the order of the courses served.
W: Precisely.
J: But there is a limit – no more than three forks or knives (not including the butter knife). What about the different sizes of soup spoons – oval vs. round?
W: I think a lot of it is personal choice; although I would use an oval one always (if I was setting a table and had the option)
J: I was taught that the round bowls were for bouillon and oval for cream soup but there seems to be a difference of opinion in some circles.
W: Yes, it seems to be one of those grey areas.
J: We also have those oversized tablespoons. When I was young we used them for soup. I could barely get the thing into my mouth. I don’t use them at all anymore except for cooking (yes) and as serving spoons.
W: I do the same thing.
J: Will, I think we’ve covered that subject pretty thoroughly. I look forward to continuing our discussions and pursuing more elements of the formal dinner table.
W: Yes, indeed, Jay. It’s always fun to see how many things we do the same way and yet how many things we do differently, but all in the name of good manners and civility.
J: I look forward to discussing stemware next time, William. That should round things out nicely.
